ramblings

Look. I hate typing in this bright white background in black print. So...light and airy. It mocks me. anyway tomorrow my mom, sis and i are going to visit this family's house far out in middle mass. an all-american white fam whose little girl is friends with my little sis from summer basketball. my fam tends not ot socialize with nonbengalis (and even very little with bengalis themselves) with the exception of our white neighbor who adopted a girl from india and who took an interest in us. our families have bonded over that suprisingly well, i think...given how antisocial we are. well anyway i hope i dont mess up this introductory family visit thing for my sister's sake. i know i can be a total weirdo and, worse, i know my sis clings to me (very unhealthy) so i'd like her to not get in the way of her socialization...who am i kidding? my entire fam adn i are dysfunctional and they will figure it out sooner or later. and i wonder if they're not a little weird themselves since they were even interested in meeting us. a bit dodgy if you ask me. what if they're a family of pscyho axe murderes?

in ohter news, i am really terrified and sickened and nauseated etc etc at the thought of moving to LA. i know very well what kindof society i'm stepping into (the vapid adn shallow variety) and i have arranged it so that i'm living with muslims 2ft from a mosque and have packed my soul with the effect of working at the ISB but just watching all those stupid hollywood gossip shows on tv (access hollywood, inside edition, current affair, ET blah blah blah) has exacerbated by fear and makes me ill to think this is how i'm spending my life...among the worthless parasites of humanity that drain the hearts and minds of millions and suck them dry of any integrity and leave them with a pitiful standard of human behavior....the feeling worsens each time my mom alludes to what i'll be doing in LA. In her mind, i'll be schmoozing with teh stars and going to fancy award ceremonies. Honest ot God i hope i'm not schmoozing with any stupid stars longer than absolutely necessary to secure a project and i hope to attend any ceremonies in full niqab to avoid the stupid rivers pair (why cant they do something worthwhile with their lives, like work forthe red cross or some noble ngo?). i hate hollywood. i hate most of humanity most of hte time except for this annoying sense of mercy that drenches any negative attitude toward the stupid lot of them with empathy (someone raised them to be stupid so it's really not their fault. we shall work to change the conditions of humanity and make the world a better place). honestly, if it weren't for islam i would be a much more cynical and bitter person. i just hope and pray that on the day of judgment i will have something substantial to show for my decision to pursue this field of filmmaking...