i wish i didnt feel like a loser so often. it's good motivation i suppose. although i keep in mind to compare myself in dunya to those who have less and in deen to those stronger than me, it's hard. really hard. why is survival so difficult? bc when we have wants, even if they're noble wants (arguably), there is always struggle. i could give up everything now and lead a lobotomized existence behind a desk somewhere pushing buttons. yet conscience forbids it. i could do something noble like working for a nonprofit social justice/environmental protection/disaster relief org. but it would still feel like damage control. i wouldnt be at the source of the problems in the world. i would feel powerless, always fighting the tide and when i died, i would merely be dragged out to sea like everyone who pursued such causes before me.