genuine eman

visions of ghost-like children, daggers through ribs, dank prisons, fire scorching sands at night... metaphors for current emotions, i guess. spent the day at an islamic scholars council of southern cal sponsored tarbiya conference, left with mixed reactions. the world has enough troubles without me adding to it. i tend to think my displeasure with anything is a result of the time period in which i live, that one day many issues will be resolved (and replaced by other woes...), so i should be patient and focus on what i can change in my expected lifespan. but thinking this way, i exclude myself from many spheres because of the derailing, inefficient anger and frustration they elicit. spheres like large muslim gatherings. like msa events, isna and mas, and tarbiya conferences. maybe i'm just afraid of reason-clouding emotional spikes. maybe. i'm too volatile for my own good. still, these spheres deserve some criticism. yes, muslims need organization. yes, we need to disseminate ideas and resources. but i can't help but find them ridiculous attempts...pumping up muslims who will live life among...other muslims...feeding each other old ideas...with minimal interaction with people outside their ideological circle...and even less interaction with non-Muslims or nonpracticing muslims. the ultimate benefit of muslims' organizational effort? inducing group-think. creating more spiritual people, perhaps, but people who are more isolationist and disengaged with worldly realities... & trends in their own ummah they'd like to ignore. I'm sorry i'm being vague. one could point out the merits of these spheres, but i'm good at attacking weaknesses so let me get on with it... for every time lecturers encourage praying tahajjud, there are negative lecturers encouraging...playing with children. or helping your neighbor mow the lawn. or discussing domestic violence. or joining the police force. or internal muslim racism. or the pta. for all our spiritual development, we sure are an incompetent ummah. we have yet to grasp the importance of dunya-esque issues in our "institutions" in the states. is this just a matter of time? if so, time's running out. social-justice oriented, less practicing muslim groups tend to tackle these topics while traditional islamic orgs ignore them. youth will sway where there are answers. personally, i want to practice islam true to its teachings as transmitted by scholars, but the people who represent tradition are hopelessly shortsighted, even if they are raised in the west. the allure of liberal groups in this context is really destabilizing.

monday, 12am. thus begins another day.