Ramadan Day Four.

My heart's been shriveling under the crust of poor decisions and escalating insincerity. Alhamdulillah for Ramadan. Alhamdulillah for Ramadan. I've been yearning for purification since the end of last semester, and as soon as Ramadan was announced on Friday night, I felt an immediate sense of vulnerability, the kind that emanates from a state of innocence. The gates of hell are sealed. I am alone with my nafs. It's a transformation that usually reveals the ugliness of my ego each year, but today the tranquility of my soul suggests my regrets stem from succombing to Shaytan rather than the nafs. Where do I go from here?

I've made a conscious decision to flow with the self-effacing nature of Ramadan. I've put a moratorium on being self-involved, which is a necessity in my field in order to maintain constant creative output. Alhamdulillah I didnt get into intermediate directing, which would've deprived me of the time to focus on purification.

Ya Rabbi inni Saqeem. My Lord! Truly, I am sick at heart. Help me to think faster, to curb the overwhelming depression that comes from confusion with the state of the world, with personal relationships, with status, with reputation, with finding a niche in the era to which you've assigned my soul. Help me to be just in my decisions, limit the destructiveness sown by my defenses, cure my arrogance toward those whose lives I believe are inefficient, guide me toward a realistic and compassionate perception of humanity, sharpen my intelligence for a life of service, and calm my fears. O You in Whose Hands my soul rests, grant me security, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me. You love to forive, so please forgive me...