mirror, mirror

and it came to me then
that every plan
is a tiny prayer
to father time
as i stared at my shoes
in the icu
that reeked of piss and 409
and i rationed my breaths
as i said to myself
that i'd already taken
too much today
as each descending peak
on the lcd
took you a little farther
away from me
amongst the vending machines
and year old magazines
in a place where we only say goodbye
it stung like a violent wind
that our memories depend
on a faulty camera
in our minds
i knew that you were a truth
that i would rather lose
than never have lain beside at all

and i looked around
at all the eyes on the ground
as the tv entertained itself

theres no comfort
in the waiting room
just nervous paces
bracing for bad news

then the nurse comes around
and everyone lifts their heads
i'm thinking of what sarah said

love is watching
someone die

so who's gonna watch you die?

"what sarah said" death cab for cutie

when i was a girl i envisioned her as fierce, compassionate, composed and wise. i've failed. i haven't become her at all. i wallow in depression, seeking solace in menial tasks, watching others murder a precious reality as I huddle silently in the corner of my room. "i've failed you."

but...even this is revolutionary. who am i now that i address "you", the girl of the past? when did i leave her behind? when did i cross into adulthood?

when i was a girl i believed i would die young, but a 20something version of me, she would guide me through tough spots regardless. she was always there when i made decisions. where did she come from? a vision of maturity? i never saw her face. she was an idea, an inner conscience.