Democracy assumes the population is intelligent.

went to church this morn. african methodist episcopal church to be exact. scouting for a sweeeet gospel choir for "soldier of love". went to israel counter protest. went to production mtg at insomnia cafe for "soldier of love". couldnt get back home. streets were blocked off by cops and fire trucks. a hold up and murder occurred, suspect in a car with a gun. we asked if i could go around another street to get to my house. tried. blocked off. cop told us to wait it out. hema asked, like a valley girl, completely unintentionally, how long? (like, i've got a pilates class in the morning ::toss blond pigtail:: cant you hurry up?) i guess i'm so used to this in my neighborhood. car battery stolen the other day. roommates car broken into the same weekend, $200 stolen. oh, life. so waited it out at hema's place until past midnight. they never caught the suspect. bloodhounds on the hunt. we all locked our doors. everone is sleeping upstairs tonight. this is what i get for going to church.

went to counter-protest today at an israel rally. they threw bottles at us. police acted as a barrier to keep us safe. It was disgustingly hypocritical and obnoxious to see the pro-israel ralliers shake hands with the police, "thank you, thank you", as if the island of 5 muslims and three kids are such a threat. their threat perception is so distorted, I pity them. it's that kind of insecurity that allows them to excuse themselves for being so abusive. self-defense, they claim. "our existence is threatened" they claim. no one wants to hurt them. no one ever makes a threat from our side. who are they watching amongst us that is so frightening? instead, at the justice for lebanon rally, there were israel supporters who were lost on our side of hte street. we kindly helped them across to "their side". when we tried to get through the crowd of israel supporters to "our side" we were mobbed, threatened, had bottles thrown at us and needed a police escort back to our little island.

"where's your bomb belt? Is it at home with your kids? Are they playing with it?"
"Murderers" "terrorists!"
"take off the [american] flag you're getting it dirty!"
"ISRAEL!" - a ten year old shoving a flag in our face
other pro-israel folks took pictures of us. no doubt their intentions were insidious. i'm sure my face has either been shipped to hte cia or is being mutilated for some sick online post.
"5 4 6 9 There's no such thing as Palestine!"
"3 4 7 8 Israel is a Jewish state!"
"Go home to Lebanon!"
"Death to Islam!"
"Aren't you hot in there?" (why dont you ask the rabbi next to you that's more heavily clad in black than any of us)
"Today We Stand Proud as Angelinos, As Americans, For Israel!"
(how easily they intertwine these identities so that criticism of Israel seems like a betrayal of all things American)

I spoke to Melissa McBride from Channel 7 News, but off camera. She'd just finished reporting that the protest was non-violent and civil. I told her that's not exactly true, they threw bottles at us. She tried to assert that she reports both sides, but that the "other side" always perceives her being more sympathetic to their "opponents" when she listens to their views. Sure, I understand that. But I think journalists need to protect their credibility as much as possible, and the safest stance to take in heated moments like this is to say everyone is equally guilty or equally civil and stay out of it. They're not in it for justice if they care about a career.

it's exhausting being around people who can read through seven layers of your intentions.

i've aged 5yrs in the past two semesters.

this summer i'm:

co-producing a thesis film, "soldier of love"
assistant producing a thesis film, "hike away"
writing/directing/editing a documentary, "muslims in love"
taking 506: visual expression
and trying to save the world.
but somehow mentioning how i spend my time makes it feel less noble. why do i obsess about nobility? because it's everything! it's ok, only 3ppl are probably reading this anyway.

i wish i didnt feel like a loser so often. it's good motivation i suppose. although i keep in mind to compare myself in dunya to those who have less and in deen to those stronger than me, it's hard. really hard. why is survival so difficult? bc when we have wants, even if they're noble wants (arguably), there is always struggle. i could give up everything now and lead a lobotomized existence behind a desk somewhere pushing buttons. yet conscience forbids it. i could do something noble like working for a nonprofit social justice/environmental protection/disaster relief org. but it would still feel like damage control. i wouldnt be at the source of the problems in the world. i would feel powerless, always fighting the tide and when i died, i would merely be dragged out to sea like everyone who pursued such causes before me.