mirror, mirror

and it came to me then
that every plan
is a tiny prayer
to father time
as i stared at my shoes
in the icu
that reeked of piss and 409
and i rationed my breaths
as i said to myself
that i'd already taken
too much today
as each descending peak
on the lcd
took you a little farther
away from me
amongst the vending machines
and year old magazines
in a place where we only say goodbye
it stung like a violent wind
that our memories depend
on a faulty camera
in our minds
i knew that you were a truth
that i would rather lose
than never have lain beside at all

and i looked around
at all the eyes on the ground
as the tv entertained itself

theres no comfort
in the waiting room
just nervous paces
bracing for bad news

then the nurse comes around
and everyone lifts their heads
i'm thinking of what sarah said

love is watching
someone die

so who's gonna watch you die?

"what sarah said" death cab for cutie

when i was a girl i envisioned her as fierce, compassionate, composed and wise. i've failed. i haven't become her at all. i wallow in depression, seeking solace in menial tasks, watching others murder a precious reality as I huddle silently in the corner of my room. "i've failed you."

but...even this is revolutionary. who am i now that i address "you", the girl of the past? when did i leave her behind? when did i cross into adulthood?

when i was a girl i believed i would die young, but a 20something version of me, she would guide me through tough spots regardless. she was always there when i made decisions. where did she come from? a vision of maturity? i never saw her face. she was an idea, an inner conscience.

vague gripes

I really dont know where to begin. I just need to rant in a semi-public forum. what makes it so hard? there's no point. what will it accomplish? i defeat myself before i've even begun to open up. you see, it doesn't matter anyway, because no one's really listening. no one really cares, or if they do, they dont know how to solve these problems. there would be no problems if they did. i'm a firm believer in sorting through one's own issues. the sign of a strong person is an exceptional set of problem solving skills. that means, if i discuss something in a public forum, i'm really at a loss, it's almost desperation. people don't realize that. i think what makes it harder for people to decipher what's really going on with me is a general cheeriness in everyday discussions, because, to me, is anything really that important to bring into actual speech? words are driven into insignificance by so many people's overuse; i feel a need to conserve them.

i dont want to rant bc ranting means opening yourself up to ridicule. once you expose the things you feel passionately about, it's out there for people to label you, to cast you aside as believing in this or that dogmatically. or for being irrational or too harsh. at the same time, it's people who believe passionately in something that accelerate change, who provide insight that countless others are incapable of. i don't know which path to choose. the first makes me vulnerable, the second takes me to task & commits me to be consistent when i change priorities moment to moment...

i'll never get enough of ragging on practicing msa-type muslims, who become shortsighted muslim adults, who follow myopic sheikhs and perpetuate injustice due to their lack of concern for humanity. true, muslims are sincere and have better character the the most of mankind (with the exception of neo-buddhists perhaps), but their glossy view of the ummah, blindsight for the abuse people can inflict upon each other within the framework of islam, and their isolationist tendencies are infuriating. islam offers so much, but muslims fail to deliver. i know i fail often. i could be friendlier. more social. i should stop letting the burdens of the world throw me into an anti-social depression. it's not helping me solve the world's problems and it's keeping me from excelling at my career path for the sake of Allah swt. still, at least i'm open to criticism and actively seeking improvement within myself and within the ummah. i can't say that about most practicing muslims, who have minimal interaction with non-ummah folk...what, do people expect the trees to do dawah while they're locked up somewhere praying 20nawafil rakat?

don't get me started on the muslim men, the young & useless msa married muslims, and the sheikhs whose faces shine with knowledge of the sunnah, but whom women will probably never gain knowledge from because of their obsessive, sexist ideologies.

if i drank, i'd be an alcoholic. adn you know what? Ya Ummati, it's ALL YOUR FAULT. Ameen.

genuine eman

visions of ghost-like children, daggers through ribs, dank prisons, fire scorching sands at night... metaphors for current emotions, i guess. spent the day at an islamic scholars council of southern cal sponsored tarbiya conference, left with mixed reactions. the world has enough troubles without me adding to it. i tend to think my displeasure with anything is a result of the time period in which i live, that one day many issues will be resolved (and replaced by other woes...), so i should be patient and focus on what i can change in my expected lifespan. but thinking this way, i exclude myself from many spheres because of the derailing, inefficient anger and frustration they elicit. spheres like large muslim gatherings. like msa events, isna and mas, and tarbiya conferences. maybe i'm just afraid of reason-clouding emotional spikes. maybe. i'm too volatile for my own good. still, these spheres deserve some criticism. yes, muslims need organization. yes, we need to disseminate ideas and resources. but i can't help but find them ridiculous attempts...pumping up muslims who will live life among...other muslims...feeding each other old ideas...with minimal interaction with people outside their ideological circle...and even less interaction with non-Muslims or nonpracticing muslims. the ultimate benefit of muslims' organizational effort? inducing group-think. creating more spiritual people, perhaps, but people who are more isolationist and disengaged with worldly realities... & trends in their own ummah they'd like to ignore. I'm sorry i'm being vague. one could point out the merits of these spheres, but i'm good at attacking weaknesses so let me get on with it... for every time lecturers encourage praying tahajjud, there are negative lecturers encouraging...playing with children. or helping your neighbor mow the lawn. or discussing domestic violence. or joining the police force. or internal muslim racism. or the pta. for all our spiritual development, we sure are an incompetent ummah. we have yet to grasp the importance of dunya-esque issues in our "institutions" in the states. is this just a matter of time? if so, time's running out. social-justice oriented, less practicing muslim groups tend to tackle these topics while traditional islamic orgs ignore them. youth will sway where there are answers. personally, i want to practice islam true to its teachings as transmitted by scholars, but the people who represent tradition are hopelessly shortsighted, even if they are raised in the west. the allure of liberal groups in this context is really destabilizing.

monday, 12am. thus begins another day.