maturity has crushed my soul

sometimes you have to tell her to shut up.

love's such an old fashioned word
but it dares us to care for people
on the edge of the night
-Queen

It's not about beauty, it's about power.

a constant ache
sharpens
before the battle

On the grave of Fatima Ma'asuma, a descendant of the Prophet murdered by the Caliphate of her time, are inscribed several chapters of the Quran, as well as several sayings of the Prophet (hadith), which are as follows:

“Whoever guards his tongue from dishonoring the people, on the Day of Judgment, God will forgive his lapses.”

“Whoever causes a separation between a mother and her child, God will cause a separation between him and Heaven.”

“A good question is half of learning.”

“God, Most High, helps His servant so long as the servant helps his brother.”

Ramadan Day Four.

My heart's been shriveling under the crust of poor decisions and escalating insincerity. Alhamdulillah for Ramadan. Alhamdulillah for Ramadan. I've been yearning for purification since the end of last semester, and as soon as Ramadan was announced on Friday night, I felt an immediate sense of vulnerability, the kind that emanates from a state of innocence. The gates of hell are sealed. I am alone with my nafs. It's a transformation that usually reveals the ugliness of my ego each year, but today the tranquility of my soul suggests my regrets stem from succombing to Shaytan rather than the nafs. Where do I go from here?

I've made a conscious decision to flow with the self-effacing nature of Ramadan. I've put a moratorium on being self-involved, which is a necessity in my field in order to maintain constant creative output. Alhamdulillah I didnt get into intermediate directing, which would've deprived me of the time to focus on purification.

Ya Rabbi inni Saqeem. My Lord! Truly, I am sick at heart. Help me to think faster, to curb the overwhelming depression that comes from confusion with the state of the world, with personal relationships, with status, with reputation, with finding a niche in the era to which you've assigned my soul. Help me to be just in my decisions, limit the destructiveness sown by my defenses, cure my arrogance toward those whose lives I believe are inefficient, guide me toward a realistic and compassionate perception of humanity, sharpen my intelligence for a life of service, and calm my fears. O You in Whose Hands my soul rests, grant me security, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me. You love to forive, so please forgive me...

"you have intimacy issues"

??????Q!@#%!@R!$#R!$#!!#%!@$#%!$%!!!!!$#~!!!!!!

oh but how true it is. how true it is.

where's the resolution to this scene? why can't i write a resolution to scenes in my own life?

my actions are scripted through intention before they enter the pages of reality.

i heart this quote:

"love is against your best interest."

"i'm too important to be bothered with that." jon joked the other day with his sister on the phone, making fun of how little time we all have these days and how that limits our interactions with other ppl. over the last year, we've become more exclusive. our self-involvement, necessitated by the survival-of-the-fittest nature of our field, sends red flags to everyone around us to stay far, far away.

wish i could spend more time with iram.

it's strange that, even though you recognize the need to do something, emotionally you might not be ready, or the circumstances don't lead you to the right "beat" to take action. In order for behavior to be logical to others, we must follow beats. But intellectually we may be five beats ahead waiting for the opportunity to reveal our position. There must be a better way.

drive to nor cal to see the rain and snow, the mountains and the sea.

Everyone is going to hate me. And that's OK.

730am got up, got directions & read callsheet for kyohei's shoot "i'm here", a film about japanese students tryin to fit in at an American college. i AD'd it today w/ Kyohei's friend Takuya. we shot at el camino college library in gardena

815 gave directions & gas $ to kalie (roomie) and reminded her to get up on time to be an extra w/ hala (other roomie) at 11am.

9am arrived on set, helped move equip from uhaul to 2nd floor of lib. karu (AC), andrew (DP).

10:15am first shot
12pm fire alarm goes off cuz our lights too close to the detector; lib evacuated

230 wrapped interior library; lib closed, broke for lunch; i moved my car bc of street cleaning. awesome salad (lettuce, seaweed, sesame seed oil), curry and rice.

330 set up ext shot; 430 takuya left; 730 we wrapped the shoot; 8pm everyone cleared hte set.

learned how to allot time and hustle DP & Director assertively w/o harassing ppl
need to improve: alloting more time for unexpected parking situations

now, need to find cool birdsongs as sound design for EPK.

8am - class 546 test footage dailies. wideshot sound wacked. lost journal of vice marceaux bloody awesome production design, esp the smallpox and blood puke scene. wish i worked on it, but an entire semester of death and existential angst in the professional world would be so depressing. wish epk was darker or at least bizarre and not just a "kid's film". all the stuff i watched as a "kid" was weird at least.

10am - production mtg. script read through w/ all depts voicing concerns scene by scene.

12pm - picked up sound equip from james's place,grabbed lunch at the UV. i got lemon rice, malai kofta & aloo baigan & james got thai soup, coincidentally editors sush & alex were there so we joined them. alejandro (director) was hovering around checking out our meal selections, i convinced him to go with the flavors of india. he did but was too hot for him, which my stereotypical mind says shouldnt be possible for south americans. we shall see.

1pm - james parked at loading dock so we could unload equip, but coudlnt move it or would be late for class, so left it. moved it during break, but then class went over and he got a ticket anyway. damn LA parking patrol vultures.

sound lab was awesome - played with radio mics, went over test footage, how to counter reverb, perspective, mixing on set, etc. i think doug's (instructor) being super nice to me, almost pandering, asking if i know basic things (and sometimes i forget details) but totally pisses me off to suspect he's being sexist, which i dont think is his intention at all. but still. maybe i look stupid. it's the glasses, they make me look like i'm falling asleep. or maybe i am stupid. or at least forgetful. damn.

got out of class at 530. brought equip back to james's. dropped off receipts for tatiana at spo, scooted home, but stopped at masjid omar for asr first, where i ran into aliyah who had a package for me :). she & hubby were off to plan the umma clinic fundraising banquet. i like aliyah and ahmed as separate ppl, but friends + their hubbies make me feel awkward, like you have to talk to the other half even though you care to only talk to the female half. whatev. married folk will always make me squirm, so i might as well figure out innovative defense mechanisms to deal.

7pm called mommy from house phone using ancient phone card. did stupid stupid thing - put cell phone on trunk of car and backed out of driveway yesterday and lost cell phone up vermont ave somewhere. idiot idiot idiot idiot doug's right i am stupid damn. being stupid costs you money in life. like money towards a new cell phone.

745 started blog to purge day's records while zippin thru emails. observation: filmmakers are high-maintenance guerilla warriors.

damn stupid twitching laptop if it twitches off again i'm going to smack it HARD growl

marriage might never appeal to me, but why must I be forsaken as an eternally angry virgin?

dear God, please grant me a lifetime supply of soymilk. light. with riboflavin.

9am james doesnt know where the production mtg is
915 joy says it's at eat street grill; kristina's not dressed, dont drop off tv until 1230. ok kristina, you made me peaches & almonds pie, buhrman.

930 put tv in car. went to eat street
950 saw alejandro, the producers jodie, julia & paula, & the AD (assistant director) joy grindin away at logistics before rest of the crew showed up.
10am ordered a mushroom, spinach, swiss cheese and avocado (oh california) omelette with hash browns and pancakes for $7.48 including the 20% student discount. damn.

10-12 yap yap yap production stuff, cinematographers yappity yapped too much & alejandro got bitter. i built a halfnhalf castle with a sliced lemon arch. paula took cellphone pic of it. mayhaps it'll show up on a production report. gave monica back her microsoft office cd.

talked to editors about sound report and transferring files.

must get back at alex (editor) for hissing into microphone during our test weekend purposefully. mayhem = what happens when u bring editors on set, whatever faculty says.

12-1230 bought 8th continent soy milk, filler paper and clorox bleach

1230 delivered kristina's tv

1pm did laundry and dishes

2pm maliha, hala's sister, spent the night. she entertained me in th eliving room as i tried to work on script.

230pm actually started on script on pg 59.

ate intermittently. again. and again. and again.

broke for prayers. talked to tania about her book report. ate some more.

9pm reached pg 65. went out to dinner at ethiopian restaurant w/ hala & krista. was hala's bday yesterday. ethiopia was almost colonized by italians. this is why we ate italian cake at ethiopian restaurant.

embrace the gimmicks!

jiggle jiggle. jiggle jiggle.

writing makes you fat. so fat it jiggles.